illuminate photography » crazy beautiful

Five years.  Wow.  In some ways I can’t believe it’s been that long… and in other ways it feels like my daughter Faith has been with me my whole life.

For those of you who don’t know, our daughter Faith was born into heaven exactly five years ago today.  I’ve had some practice over the years at telling her story.  Sometimes it’s easy to tell and other times the words don’t come as easily… and on days like today the tears come more easily than on other days.

I miss her.  Out of the past few birthdays I think this might have been one of the hardest for me so far.  Even now as I type I’m on the verge of tears.

The cloudy, drizzly sky made for an easy to sleep-in morning… it seemed even the earth was missing our sweet girl today.

As I helped Jonah get dressed we talked about the significance of today.  He and daddy had already purchased the makings for her cake – yellow cake mix, chocolate frosting and a Tinkerbell candle – Jonah’s selections… just what he imagined his sister would like for her princess cake.

We had also planned a trip to Mimi’s Café for brunch (with our free breakfast coupons) and Jonah was really excited to get to go to an “eating store” for “Thaif’s” birthday.  The thing I hadn’t expected was that his sweet little 3 year old brain was apparently looking forward to seeing his sister on her birthday.  As I knelt in front of him, I fought back tears as I thought about not-in-this-lifetime and tried to explain to the innocence standing in front of me that he’ll never get to meet his big sister here on this earth.

And for the first time my heart broke for him and the big sister void in his life.

The middle of the day rushed by.  We did some cleaning and dishes and frosted the cake.  Dave’s parents came over for cake and a visit.  Then we headed to Deepen, our church’s evening service.

Honestly I didn’t really feel like going.  What I felt like doing was curling up on the couch and being alone.  And quiet.

Thankfully I went… and thankfully God met me there.  God has a really lovely way of working out what’s best for me sometimes and I’m really truly grateful when he does that.

It was kind of amazing.  Tonight wasn’t just a regular service.  It was a special Deepen with extended worship “in the round” and prayer.  Our south campus worship team led and it was powerful and amazing and moving and beautiful.  Just what I needed.

And wouldn’t you know it… the very first song… was Faith’s song.  Why am I not surprised in the least?  Of course they did.  Of course.

Blessed Be Your Name (hear it here)

Here are just some of the lyrics…

Blessed be your name
When I’m found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When the sun’s shining down on me
When the world’s all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

You give and take away

You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name

How does God do that?  How does he line things up like that?  How?  It can’t be simply coincidence.

So with the start of the song began the tears.  And as the band continued to play and everyone around me continued to raise their hands and sing praises to the God who gives and takes away, I just sobbed.

And I experienced such release… and such relief… and eventually joy.  I’m not talking jump up and down joy, just that knowing God has got you RIGHT THERE, right in the palm of his hand, peace.  Though the wind and the waves are rockin’ your boat, He’s got you… and you know it.  You can feel it.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you a hope and a future.”

I forgot.

I realized tonight that I had forgotten that truth.  I have not been trusting God with the trajectory of my life.  I’m not on the path I expected to be on at this point in my life and therefore I have been trying to steer lately.  And you know what?  I’m tired.  It’s not working.  I can’t control it.

So my daughter’s life again brings light and life.  My heart aches with missing her today, but it also grips tightly onto hope.  The hope and knowledge that God has a plan and that he wants the best for me.  His plan hasn’t changed.  I’ve just been so stubborn I’ve been walking around lately with my head down, so sad for the things that aren’t going my way that I’m missing all of the blessings he’s been pouring out all around me.

Another realization tonight…  I have some seriously amazing friends for whom I am so completely and entirely grateful, it’s not even funny.  I sincerely can’t tell you what a comfort it is to have people in my life who upon hearing my answer to “how are you?” (“okay”) follow up with a look of concern and a hug.  And then to listen and cry with me… girls, you know who you are, and all I can say is thank you.  And even if you weren’t at church and I didn’t see you in personal tonight, you know who you are too.  All of you who wrote on my wall or dropped me a note or prayed for me today.  Thank you.  I am so grateful for you.

Well my girl, it’s officially midnight and the end of your fifth birthday.  I hope the angels threw you a fabulous princess birthday party and I hope there were balloons and presents and cake and all of the crazy amazing things that I can’t even imagine heaven holds for birthdays.  I just know it was a perfect day.  I love you and miss you and can’t wait to see you… someday.

A few more pictures from our celebration here on earth…

Oh, and the footprint with four toes on the doodle board that Dave’s holding, just in case you were wondering (or if you even noticed) is one of our funny quirky little things that we do to remember our girl.  She had five beautiful little toes on each foot, but her fifth little toes both stuck up and sort of wrapped up onto her fourth toes and so when the nurses took her footprints they had to push her itty bitty little toes down to get their prints.  So we have claimed her four toed footprint as her trademark and I love it and I think it’s just perfect.  Perfectly imperfect.  Faith.

Missing my girl,

Lisa

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Related posts

• Speaking of Faith (video story)
• Our story of Faith
• One of Faith’s songs
• Faith’s 2nd birthday
• Faith’s 3rd birthday flowers
• Dedication & sweet orchids for Faith (her 4th birthday)